A short guide for commuting in New York City
On the bus: be sure to exit via the front door, so everyone knows how important you are. This is the most helpful when you're going the opposite direction the bus was.
When it comes to the subway, things get a bit more complicated, but there's plenty of time for fun:
Doors- stand directly in front of the doors and don't let anyone else on or off. Take offense at anyone who bumps into you or asks you to get out of the way. Board the train and stop right there. That's your spot; you'll be fined for moving out of it. Wouldn't want to miss your stop, but no need to rush. When the train arrives at your station, be sure to wait a full ten seconds before moving on or off.
All aboard- hump that pole, or just lean on it with your full body length. It's your friend! Put your feet on the seats, or just go ahead and lie down.
Delays- when announced, be sure to take it personally. Voice your complaints loudly because we all want to know your inner feelings. Accentuate the depth of your grief with teeth-sucking noises, or kicking/punching the walls/doors/windows/ceiling. It totally helps.
Out of service- Maybe it bypassed the station or wasn't going where you needed to; that's right, it was just to inconvenience you, so be sure to take it personally and yell 'fuck' out loud, over and over. Everyone else will empathize.
Eating- do it on the go, no sense wasting perfectly good commuting time. Have that full meal right on your lap, and be sure to litter food scraps and trash everywhere. Leave half your coffee in the cup right on the platform- no need to carry it ten feet to the nearest can. Wait for the doors to start closing, and chuck it through the gap. Throw the whole bag onto the tracks. What are those cleaning staff for? They'll get it.
Reading materials- do us a favor and leave your free newspaper too, someone else might want to read it. Better yet, look over someone else's while they're still reading it. That's a big time-saver. Hey look- someone left you theirs. That sucks- make sure you wad it up and toss it under the seat.
Be noticed, be safe- in fact talk twice as loudly as everyone else. Shout if you have to. Spitting and littering are always encouraged. Feet on the seats, on the poles, on the doors. Nobody else touches them, so why not? Sitting down, make sure your feet go all the way out into the aisle. Spread your knees as far apart as they go. Make sure we know you're a guy, because it makes our day go by faster.
No matter what, bring the kids- Show them how great it is to commute every day, but stop engaging them after the first five minutes but then ignore them completely; after all your phone is way cooler. Make sure you tell them to stand on the seats, and move around as much as possible. Ignore them, they'll shut up eventually. If they are young enough encourage a fit.
And remember folks, if the weather is wet, put that wet overcoat/hat/umbrella right on the seat. Wouldn't want anyone to step in a puddle!
All aboard- hump that pole, or just lean on it with your full body length. It's your friend! Put your feet on the seats, or just go ahead and lie down.
Delays- when announced, be sure to take it personally. Voice your complaints loudly because we all want to know your inner feelings. Accentuate the depth of your grief with teeth-sucking noises, or kicking/punching the walls/doors/windows/ceiling. It totally helps.
Out of service- Maybe it bypassed the station or wasn't going where you needed to; that's right, it was just to inconvenience you, so be sure to take it personally and yell 'fuck' out loud, over and over. Everyone else will empathize.
Eating- do it on the go, no sense wasting perfectly good commuting time. Have that full meal right on your lap, and be sure to litter food scraps and trash everywhere. Leave half your coffee in the cup right on the platform- no need to carry it ten feet to the nearest can. Wait for the doors to start closing, and chuck it through the gap. Throw the whole bag onto the tracks. What are those cleaning staff for? They'll get it.
Reading materials- do us a favor and leave your free newspaper too, someone else might want to read it. Better yet, look over someone else's while they're still reading it. That's a big time-saver. Hey look- someone left you theirs. That sucks- make sure you wad it up and toss it under the seat.
Be noticed, be safe- in fact talk twice as loudly as everyone else. Shout if you have to. Spitting and littering are always encouraged. Feet on the seats, on the poles, on the doors. Nobody else touches them, so why not? Sitting down, make sure your feet go all the way out into the aisle. Spread your knees as far apart as they go. Make sure we know you're a guy, because it makes our day go by faster.
No matter what, bring the kids- Show them how great it is to commute every day, but stop engaging them after the first five minutes but then ignore them completely; after all your phone is way cooler. Make sure you tell them to stand on the seats, and move around as much as possible. Ignore them, they'll shut up eventually. If they are young enough encourage a fit.
And remember folks, if the weather is wet, put that wet overcoat/hat/umbrella right on the seat. Wouldn't want anyone to step in a puddle!
Thanks for reading!
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