Realizing any statement must be taken within its own context in order to be understood, the knowledge that each "contextual subset" is fully one half snafu-smorgasboard-chaos, the other half misperception-misunderstanding-overreaction only makes me appreciate a reality of something I have always known; everything, everything, everything is complete nonsense, pointless, and madness.
Party on.
Sunday, October 28, 2007
pause party
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
I wrote a list of his fears on the back...
Fear of success? accomplishment? change? the unknown?
Dunno, but I've been freaking out all morning about a meeting I had today, scheduled forty minutes from now. I left a message with homeslice and hopefully he will call to reschedule. Probably won't. Sucks. I'm getting one positive response to every 50-70 resumes I send out. This is going very slowly.
aside: They're not really "meetings," they're "job interviews". Of course, I don't call 'em "job interviews" anymore, that's just too entry-level. Besides, meeting is a calmer word, and more indicative of what's supposed to happen therein.
The issue I am uncertainly having (since you're here to read about my issues, thanks!) is this insane anxiety. As soon as I got off the phone with homeslice's voicemail I was storming around the apartment yelling at myself- calling myself a faker, and a loser. A little disoriented, I couldn't tellI was really feeling something or just acting out for my own benefit (what kind of benefit I have no idea). I had to escalate, and quickly looking around for ammo, I looked up at the computer and remembered I had to put a number in my phone. "You haven't even put dad's new number in your PHONE yet, ASSHOLE! YOU haven't even BEEN to his new place HE'S BEEN THERE A MONTH!! WHAT'S YOUR FUCKING PROBLEM!!""
...
then I felt fine. like I had made the whole thing up.
so now I'm trying to rule things out. I don't get regularly scheduled exercise, but I'm pretty active. I'm not on a strict diet, but I eat pretty well (lots of raw fruit and veggies). I'm not particularly stressed out-- I'm getting broke but not there yet; and obviously no job, but not a lot of blls on the plate.
so wtf?
Dunno, but I've been freaking out all morning about a meeting I had today, scheduled forty minutes from now. I left a message with homeslice and hopefully he will call to reschedule. Probably won't. Sucks. I'm getting one positive response to every 50-70 resumes I send out. This is going very slowly.
aside: They're not really "meetings," they're "job interviews". Of course, I don't call 'em "job interviews" anymore, that's just too entry-level. Besides, meeting is a calmer word, and more indicative of what's supposed to happen therein.
The issue I am uncertainly having (since you're here to read about my issues, thanks!) is this insane anxiety. As soon as I got off the phone with homeslice's voicemail I was storming around the apartment yelling at myself- calling myself a faker, and a loser. A little disoriented, I couldn't tellI was really feeling something or just acting out for my own benefit (what kind of benefit I have no idea). I had to escalate, and quickly looking around for ammo, I looked up at the computer and remembered I had to put a number in my phone. "You haven't even put dad's new number in your PHONE yet, ASSHOLE! YOU haven't even BEEN to his new place HE'S BEEN THERE A MONTH!! WHAT'S YOUR FUCKING PROBLEM!!""
...
then I felt fine. like I had made the whole thing up.
so now I'm trying to rule things out. I don't get regularly scheduled exercise, but I'm pretty active. I'm not on a strict diet, but I eat pretty well (lots of raw fruit and veggies). I'm not particularly stressed out-- I'm getting broke but not there yet; and obviously no job, but not a lot of blls on the plate.
so wtf?
Thursday, March 29, 2007
Monday, March 19, 2007
birthday card
most happy to you, little knitter-
wishing the next year treats you as you deserve;
delightful, playful, with sunshine and warmth
challenging you without intimidation, obstacles without frustration
giving strength and wisdom when you most need them.
giving you the present you asked for, you'll never read this;
you won't know that I wished it and you won't care.
If wishes and hopes could affect someone else without their knowledge, you'll benefit.
and then so will I.
Sunday, March 18, 2007
emo-leeching off the radio
I've been listening to music in a different way lately: unsynchronized. I'll pick a local radio station and listen online, like right now I'm checking out 'the moonshine show' from Columbia University. Then I take my little transistor radio and tune in the same station.
The transistor is about fifteen seconds ahead of the computer, and here's why (in non-techspeak.) Radio is broadcast over the air directly, from the station, to the amplifier, to the transmitter. Broadcasting over the internet is a little more complex- signal processing, servers, miles of cable- even at the speed of light, it's a much longer trip, so there's a delay.
Okay, so why am I listening to two versions of the same thing, out of synch? It doesn't really make sense, it's just a jumble of noise, or two parts of the three part 'round of "row row row your boat" you did in grade school. The two stereo signals mess each other up in some ways, and mesh in others. It has a live feel.
Normally, I get easily distracted by music, and that prevents me from doing anything else. This strategy allows me to read or clean up or type or whatever, without stopping; since I know it won't make sense, the part of my brain that makes me stop and listen doesn't bother. If I do bother to stop and listen I get right back into what I'm doing.
All the same, good music is still good, and bad musicians still sound bad- and I still get to tap the emotional content that the music delivers... and since I'm not paying attention to it.. it's paying attention to me. The musical emotional projector.
I'm thinking about getting a delay effect for the rest of my music. Anyone know of an iTunes 'effects' plugin that will let me do this?
could something be new in music?
I've been listening to music in a different way lately: unsynchronized. I'll pick a local radio station and listen online, like right now I'm checking out 'the moonshine show' from Columbia University. Then I take my little transistor radio and tune in the same station.
The transistor is about fifteen seconds ahead of the computer, and here's why (in non-techspeak.) Radio is broadcast over the air directly, from the station, to the amplifier, to the transmitter. Broadcasting over the internet is a little more complex- signal processing, servers, miles of cable- even at the speed of light, it's a much longer trip, so there's a delay.
Okay, so why am I listening to two versions of the same thing, out of synch? It doesn't really make sense, it's just a jumble of noise, or two parts of the three part 'round of "row row row your boat" you did in grade school. The two stereo signals mess each other up in some ways, and mesh in others. It has a live feel.
Normally, I get easily distracted by music, and that prevents me from doing anything else. This strategy allows me to read or clean up or type or whatever, without stopping; since I know it won't make sense, the part of my brain that makes me stop and listen doesn't bother. If I do bother to stop and listen I get right back into what I'm doing.
All the same, good music is still good, and bad musicians still sound bad- and I still get to tap the emotional content that the music delivers... and since I'm not paying attention to it.. it's paying attention to me. The musical emotional projector.
I'm thinking about getting a delay effect for the rest of my music. Anyone have an iTunes 'effects' plugin that will let me do this?
The transistor is about fifteen seconds ahead of the computer, and here's why (in non-techspeak.) Radio is broadcast over the air directly, from the station, to the amplifier, to the transmitter. Broadcasting over the internet is a little more complex- signal processing, servers, miles of cable- even at the speed of light, it's a much longer trip, so there's a delay.
Okay, so why am I listening to two versions of the same thing, out of synch? It doesn't really make sense, it's just a jumble of noise, or two parts of the three part 'round of "row row row your boat" you did in grade school. The two stereo signals mess each other up in some ways, and mesh in others. It has a live feel.
Normally, I get easily distracted by music, and that prevents me from doing anything else. This strategy allows me to read or clean up or type or whatever, without stopping; since I know it won't make sense, the part of my brain that makes me stop and listen doesn't bother. If I do bother to stop and listen I get right back into what I'm doing.
All the same, good music is still good, and bad musicians still sound bad- and I still get to tap the emotional content that the music delivers... and since I'm not paying attention to it.. it's paying attention to me. The musical emotional projector.
I'm thinking about getting a delay effect for the rest of my music. Anyone have an iTunes 'effects' plugin that will let me do this?
Saturday, March 17, 2007
great idea for the casinos
one-armed russian roulette booths
sit inside, close the curtain, stick a dollar in the slot and pull the arm. watch the numbers spin...
98/100 chance that nothing happens
1/100 chance you win $100
1/100 chance you get killed on the spot (I think a hi-voltage oversized egg slicer would do the trick)
I know, inspired by futurama.
Monday, March 12, 2007
Sunday, March 11, 2007
watching grass grow
I narrowly missed being in a car accident today. It was the middle of part two, in a 'running to catch a cab to catch a bus to catch a ride to play a game' sequence, and some impatient or unaware person made a left turn from a two-way street and was hit by an oncoming car. It was only two cars ahead of me.
Seeing that violent hit, a flurry ran through my head. It was something like 'hey, most traffic accidents are from people running red lights.. how weird, this wasn't the same case. I guess (s)he was really in a rush. Why are we in such a hurry all the time? Why do so many of us want to be continuously creative, useful, active, involved, engaged?
We constantly sell ourselves to each other as being more on top of the game, with it.. we wish we could improve our brains and skillsets just as fast as our tech upgrades. To some extent people want to be machines- to fit in seamlessly with our gear- obviously, we being the most important cog of the mech..[ anthropocentrism, anyone?] I was thinking it's more like Charlie Chaplain in 'Modern Times'.
Fact is, nobody wants to be around people who are always achieving. Sitting and doing very little is one of the most valuable activities we can do as aware beings. It provides focus and perspective on how to expend energy when you do decide to get up and do something. This is so easy to forget in and around Gotham. It's something I am going to try to keep more in mind.
Seeing that violent hit, a flurry ran through my head. It was something like 'hey, most traffic accidents are from people running red lights.. how weird, this wasn't the same case. I guess (s)he was really in a rush. Why are we in such a hurry all the time? Why do so many of us want to be continuously creative, useful, active, involved, engaged?
We constantly sell ourselves to each other as being more on top of the game, with it.. we wish we could improve our brains and skillsets just as fast as our tech upgrades. To some extent people want to be machines- to fit in seamlessly with our gear- obviously, we being the most important cog of the mech..[ anthropocentrism, anyone?] I was thinking it's more like Charlie Chaplain in 'Modern Times'.
Fact is, nobody wants to be around people who are always achieving. Sitting and doing very little is one of the most valuable activities we can do as aware beings. It provides focus and perspective on how to expend energy when you do decide to get up and do something. This is so easy to forget in and around Gotham. It's something I am going to try to keep more in mind.
Saturday, March 10, 2007
whoa science
Sunday, January 14, 2007
Huh.. a cold sweat, I guess
I had the dream again... which begs the question, is it the dream that drives me, or am I running away from myself in fear of me... and is there a difference? Moreover, if I were really on the move, wouldn't I be moving? Rather- if anything I've moved towards a lack of motion. Action of inaction is the choice to move inward... but if I'm fixed on the same dream then there's really no motion, unless you count screaming in circles; old skool modus for me. More importantly, why bother asking the question in the first place? Seems common sense that I'm just gonna feed that snake to itself- with this in mind, what intuitively makes sense is not what I'm going for, the harder method, the sharper razor reveals the deeper meaning, which isn't going to illuminate when you're sitting in your own belly. This is frustrating. Where's my knife?
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