Fear of success? accomplishment? change? the unknown?
Dunno, but I've been freaking out all morning about a meeting I had today, scheduled forty minutes from now. I left a message with homeslice and hopefully he will call to reschedule. Probably won't. Sucks. I'm getting one positive response to every 50-70 resumes I send out. This is going very slowly.
aside: They're not really "meetings," they're "job interviews". Of course, I don't call 'em "job interviews" anymore, that's just too entry-level. Besides, meeting is a calmer word, and more indicative of what's supposed to happen therein.
The issue I am uncertainly having (since you're here to read about my issues, thanks!) is this insane anxiety. As soon as I got off the phone with homeslice's voicemail I was storming around the apartment yelling at myself- calling myself a faker, and a loser. A little disoriented, I couldn't tellI was really feeling something or just acting out for my own benefit (what kind of benefit I have no idea). I had to escalate, and quickly looking around for ammo, I looked up at the computer and remembered I had to put a number in my phone. "You haven't even put dad's new number in your PHONE yet, ASSHOLE! YOU haven't even BEEN to his new place HE'S BEEN THERE A MONTH!! WHAT'S YOUR FUCKING PROBLEM!!""
...
then I felt fine. like I had made the whole thing up.
so now I'm trying to rule things out. I don't get regularly scheduled exercise, but I'm pretty active. I'm not on a strict diet, but I eat pretty well (lots of raw fruit and veggies). I'm not particularly stressed out-- I'm getting broke but not there yet; and obviously no job, but not a lot of blls on the plate.
so wtf?
